After
a few years of studying theology, I learned that whenever we were reading
Holocaust literature for class, it would be necessary for me to warn my husband
ahead of time. I was absolutely miserable to live with when reading
Holocaust literature, and he deserved fair warning. I became so entrenched in the accounts of the horrors
possible by humanity that my attitude toward existence was utterly tragic. That
was until I read the Diary of Etty Hillesum, who taught me a different way of
facing human suffering and tragedy.
At
the beginning of Etty’s diary she describes herself as being in a state of “spiritual
constipation.” In fact she is like many
today who come to spiritual direction: she longs for something and doesn’t know
what it is. For a long time she does not name that which she seeks, but still
resolves to dive into a relationship with it saying: “I think I’ll turn inward
for a half an hour each morning and listen to my inner voice. Lose myself. You
could also call it meditation. I am still a bit wary of that word. But anyway,
why not?” Yet, already she has a
profound connectedness to the spirit of God through her connectedness to
humanity. Throughout her diaries she often speaks of her love for all mankind,
even to the extent of loving those who hate her. At a time when Germans were
systematically exterminating people Etty is able to say “if there were only
once decent German, then he should be cherished despite that whole barbaric
gang, and because of that one decent German it is wrong to pour hatred over an entire
people.”
As time passes
Etty’s work brings her steadily into an open relationship with God. She
acknowledges that there are people who seek God with their eyes turned
heavenward outside themselves, and there are those who bow their head and bury
it in their hands. “These,” she says, “seek God inside.” She equates her image
of God to a deep well inside herself where God dwells. But often stones and
grit cover the well and God is buried. Only when she digs God out is she able
to also dwell there. As the process of “digging God out” unfolds, Etty’s diary
begins to be weaved with short, spontaneous prayers like, “Lord, grant me a
little humility,” and eventually they lengthen and her journaling takes on a
more concerted effort at conversations with, or letters to God. She writes,
“when I pray, I hold a silly, naïve, or deadly serious dialogue with what is
deepest inside me, which for the sake of convenience I call God.”
What is most
beautiful for me about this process for Etty is that though she experiences God
within herself, as her journey continues she gradually begins to recognize God
outside herself and knows that though she often desires seclusion in her
spiritual journey she must seek God among people, out in the world. She
recognizes that she cannot change anything in her world unless she changes herself,
and lets her love for humankind take over rather than her hatred for what is in
human beings that makes us want to destroy one another. This desire to take the
God she experienced inside and spread it in her sick and twisted world, I
believe, is what made it possible for her to work so hard at Westerbork without
regressing into despair. In fact it would almost seem that as Etty’s life
became worse and worse, her experiences of God became more and more mystical.
When her surroundings were virtually void of any manifestation of God, she is
able to step outside her environment and her sickly body and let her spirit
rest in happier places and times. Over and over, despite the evil she is
surrounded by, she writes, “I still find life beautiful and meaningful.” It is
hard to imagine how someone could regard themselves as being “rich” at Westerbork,
but Etty does. Even when she questions God’s seeming lack of interest in doing
anything about their suffering, she is still able to proclaim “My life has
become an uninterrupted dialogue with You, oh God, one great dialogue”…when I
lie in my bed and rest in you, oh God, tears of gratitude run down my face, and
that is my prayer.” Like any of us Etty’s experiences of God has its peaks and
valleys, its presences and its absences, but in the end her faith is rooted
deeply and securely in God
When I read an
author’s journal and get a glimpse into their deepest thoughts and also their
everyday life occurrences, they really almost become like a friend to me. Though
I knew the tragic end that would occur as I finished this book, and even though
I purposefully read the last pages every so often just to prepare myself, I
couldn’t help but weep in despair for my friend Etty at the end. Even though
she was able to find beauty and meaning in her life, I couldn’t help but be
overwhelmed with anger and resentment on her behalf.
In my own life, I’ve
been lucky enough to have a few of the tangible and beautiful experiences of
God that Etty describes in her journal. Mine differ however, in the fact that
those experiences have never arisen out of tragedy and suffering as heinous as
the Holocaust. So though I felt a connectedness to Etty, it was one in which I
pitied her and mourned her life. My husband, saw such an obvious irony in my
misery, that he couldn’t help but step in. He said to me “Lori, here you’ve had
incredible experiences of God, and simultaneously read a book where the author
describes experiencing the same thing, yet you cannot empathize with her’s.
Prayer is powerful, what makes you think you can’t pray through time, pray for
Etty?” And it suddenly became apparent to me that I could, that my God is big enough to exist outside time and space as
I perceive it.
I am quite able to pray for Etty, to pray with Etty, and to feel a communion with her spirit the way that I feel a communion with the spirit’s of those closest to me in this life. Once I was able to let go of the anger I felt Etty should’ve had in her world for her life situation, I could instead rejoice in her life. There is a time when anger is right and just, otherwise we would sink into indifference over evil. But eventually there always comes a time when we must take refuge in hope.
So that we, like Etty, can “leave the camp singing.”
